We were created for relationship with GOD, self, and others. Relationality is an ontological and a teleological reality. We are created in the image of GOD; GOD in GOD's self is relational (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). In a sermon recently, the priest at my church said "at the center of the universe there is relationship; before there was matter, there was communion and community." In His reply to the tutor of the law, Jesus relayed the greatest commandment to love the LORD your GOD with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and your neighbor as yourself. Our Christian life revolves around communion and community; relationship with GOD, self, and others.
These theological and spiritual realities are echoed by various disciplines, particularly psychology and other behavioral sciences. For decades, infant attachment researchers have produced a preponderance of data demonstrating that humans are hard wired to connect. More recently, researchers making use of ultrasound technology have observed twins interacting in the womb offering comfort such as pats on the shoulder when one or the other seems to be in distress. Developmental psychologists, particularly those with a more psychoanalytic perspective, articulate the ways in which we are psychologically birthed in the context of relationship. Apart from relationship we have no way of knowing who we are or who we may become.
In the earliest season of life, formation is most profoundly affected by early caregivers (particularly mother); then as time goes on, other family, friends, teachers, community members become part of the relational context in which we are formed. In any or all of these formational contexts and experiences, there may or may not be any explicit inclusion of GOD.
However, explicit inclusion of GOD in our formational contexts does not guarantee that our formation will be pleasant, positive, or life-giving (in a psychological sense). We live in a fallen world and our brokenness means that we will not escape relational wounding. In our developmental years, we may have been subject to wounds of omission and wounds of commission. Wounds of omission have to do with what may have been lacking such as stability, reliability, warmth, encouragement, being known and seen by others who encouraged us to thrive and become who we were uniquely created to be. Wounds of commission are more overt and include any number of types of abuse (verbal, physical, sexual), being teased, left out, criticized, bullied or controlled, pressured to become who others wanted or expected us to be. We have all suffered wounds (likely of both types); we differ only in degree and kind.
These relational realties are important to acknowledge, not to avoid responsibility for ourselves or to blame others (especially parents), but to understand our history and how we have been affected by our relational contexts. Understanding is an important step in healing and formation. We cannot be healed of something we do not acknowledge.
Whatever our relational sources of formation have been become an imprint in who we are and how we see ourselves, others, and GOD. What has been taken in (from experience, sensation, perception) will be lived out. Jesus often made connections between our inner and outer life. Who we are on the outside reveals who we are on the inside. What may pose a challenge and difficulty is when we are unaware of the connections; we are living out scenarios we do not understand. What we may be aware of is that our relationships are unhealthy, unsatisfying, marked by cycles and patterns of brokenness. We have tried, but we cannot make it come out any different; we seem to have an uncanny way of ending up in the same old story. We may even say things like "ugh, this is the story of my life!"
Part of the abundant life Jesus wants for us is to thrive in relationship, to become who we were created to be: an expression of Christ through our unique self. When our relationships are a source of pain, confusion, and disheartening despair we are tempted to withdraw. We may even justify this spiritually by saying we are more of a contemplative. Perhaps this is true, but perhaps we are hiding. Hiding in the face of shame, humiliation, and broken relationship is a reflexive pattern that is as old as the Garden of Eden. Jesus invites us into fellowship.
In his book "Renovation of the Heart", Dallas Willard makes the compelling statement: "To merely welcome another, to provide for him or her, to make a place, is one of the most life-giving and life-receiving things a human being can do" (p. 183). In sharp contrast to this warm and inviting image of holy community, Pope Benedict XVI recently said: "If there were such a thing as a loneliness which could no longer be penetrated and transformed by the word of another...then we should have real, total loneliness and frightfulness, what theology calls 'hell'." The pope here was speaking about marriage, but what is described accurately reflects the alienation that some of us experience, even as Christians.
The cure for our alienation from GOD, our self, and others is holy community (indeed research has revealed that the correlations between experience of GOD, self, and others are high and
We may begin by acknowledging that we are broken; that our relationships are broken. We may have a tendency to point to others as the source of our problems and this may be in part true; however, we need to acknowledge that we carry the effects of our relational wounds and we may be unknowingly seeking out and recreating old stories in an effort to discover and experience new endings. This is a very important principle; however, without awareness of the dynamics being replayed, we will likely create only the old story and miss out on the new. This is where trusted others such as therapists, pastoral counselors, and spiritual directors may be invaluable; in prayerfully considering with us what may be happening. We may pray for insight, illumination, and revelation; for what is hidden to come to light. From this perspective of new light on an old problem we may see more clearly new steps that may be taken.
In Christian formation, this process of self-discovery is undertaken with utter dependence on the Spirit of GOD working through trusted others to facilitate new understandings and new experiences. I suspect we all have relational patterns we would like to change: our tendency to withdraw when conflict occurs, our tendency to criticize when we are confronted, and/or our history of pursuing relationships that are imbalanced or unhealthy. We have a little hope but we are afraid, we feel stuck but we want to move forward.
I invite us all to identify one area of one relationship where we want to experience transformation. Some area of our relational life we are ready to yield, where we have some measure of vision that something new is possible. Let us set our intention on that, offer it to the LORD; pray for insight, illumination, and revelation. Talk about this with a trusted friend or therapist and explore what might be GOD's invitation to us at this time.
When I first heard the phrase "holy"community" I thought (to myself) "that is an oxymoron" - I had much transformation to experience! That was almost 20 years ago and by GOD's faithfulness, mercy, and grace (and my willingness, perseverance, and cooperation with GOD) I am seeing this come to pass. It is a long road, but it is worth it.
Blessings!
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