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"PERHAPS THERE IS NOTHING THE HUMAN HEART CRAVES MORE THAN TRUE LOVE. WE ARE WIRED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED. THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE DON'T ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT LOVE REALLY IS. WE GET ALL KINDS OF DEFINITIONS FROM THE CULTURE AND FROM OUR OWN FEELINGS."
"IN FACT, I THINK IT'S HELPFUL TO THINK A LITTLE BIT, NOT ABOUT WHAT LOVE IS BUT WHAT LOVE ISN'T. SO HERE ARE FIVE THINGS LOVE ISN'T:"
"1) LOVE ISN'T HAVING SOMEONE FULFILL ALL MY FANCIFUL DREAMS"
"WHEN WE THINK ABOUT THE LOVE BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE, WE OFTEN THINK OF THAT "SOULMATE", THAT PERSON WHO JUST MAGICALLY FITS INTO ALL THE AREAS I NEED AND WILL MAKE MY LIFE BETTER. THESE EXPECTATIONS, WHICH WE CARRY INTO MARRIAGE, DO MORE TO DERAIL RELATIONSHIPS THAN ANYTHING ELSE.BUT THIS IS REALLY HUMANISTIC THINKING. IT VIEWS THE OTHER PERSON AS A BENEFACTOR THAT MUST MEET ALL OF MY NEEDS. BUT GOD DIDN'T PURPOSE MARRIAGE FOR MY OWN FULFILLMENT, BUT AS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO A) DISPLAY HIS GLORY B) GROW IN CHARACTER AND GRACE BY ADJUSTING, SACRIFICING, AND LOVING ANOTHER AND C) FULFILL THE MANDATE BY ESTABLISHING ANOTHER GENERATION OF GODLY OFFSPRING. AND HERE'S A SECRET OF MARRIAGE THAT I'M STILL FIGURING OUT AFTER TEN YEARS: MY DREAMS ARE PETTY COMPARED TO GOD'S DREAMS FOR ME. WHEN I HOLD THEM LOOSELY AND ALLOW GOD TO SHAPE THEM (BY GIVING ME A SPOUSE WHO BUMPS UP AGAINST MY DESIRES), I DISCOVER A JOY AND FULFILLMENT I WOULD NOT HAVE FOUND ON MY OWN."
"2) LOVE ISN'T LOVING THE PERSON I EXPECT SOMEONE TO BE"
"THIS FOLLOWS CLOSELY ON THE LIE OF EXPECTATIONS, THAT I ONLY EXPERIENCE LOVE WHEN SOMEONE IS EVERYTHING I EXPECT THEM TO BE. A WIFE GETS MARRIED, NOT TO A FALLEN SINNER WHO NEEDS GRACE, BUT TO AN IDEA OF WHAT SHE THINKS THIS MAN MIGHT BE TO HER. HE'S THE COMPOSITE OF ALL THE PRINCESS MOVIES, ROMANCE NOVELS, AND STORED UP DREAMS. BUT AFTER THE HONEYMOON IS OVER, SHE MEETS ANOTHER MAN, THE SLOPPY GUY WHO LEAVES HIS UNDERWEAR ON THE FLOOR, STAYS UP TOO LATE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, AND SOMETIMES BUYS BOATS WITHOUT ASKING HER. A HUSBAND GETS MARRIED TO A PERFECTLY SHAPED BEAUTIFUL GODDESS, WHOSE EVERY WORD IS INSPIRING AND MOTIVATES HIM TO GREATER HEIGHTS, WHO WILL SATISFY HIS BASIC NEEDS IN EVERY WAY. THEN HE GETS HOME FROM THE HONEYMOON AND FINDS ANOTHER WOMAN IN HIS HOME. THIS GIRL HAS OCCASIONAL MOOD SWINGS, YELLS AT HIM FOR THE SMALLEST THINGS LIKE LEAVING HIS UNDERWEAR ON THE FLOOR, AND SHE OFTEN BURNS THE MEATLOAF. SO THEN THE HUSBAND AND THE WIFE HAVE A CHOICE. THEY CAN MANIPULATE THEIR MATES INTO BEING WHAT THEY NEED THEM TO BE, SPARK A LOT OF USELESS ARGUMENTS AND FRICTION, AND ULTIMATELY CHOOSE DIVORCE. OR, THEY CAN CONFESS THEIR IDOLATRY, REALIZE THEIR OWN BROKENESS, AND RECOGNIZE THAT LOVE IS ABOUT LOVING ALL THE PARTS OF THOSE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE, EVEN THE AREAS WE REALLY DON'T LIKE. IT'S LOVING ON THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO AND LOVING THE PERSON YOU SEE BEFORE YOU, NOT THE PERSON WHO WISH OR HOPE THEY CAN BE."
"3) LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS SAYING NICE, BUT MEANINGLESS THINGS, TO EACH OTHER."
"LOVE IS ACTION AS WE'VE SAID. LOVE IS A COMMITTMENT. WHICH MEANS SOMETIMES WE MUST SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE. THIS IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH TEARING DOWN, HURTING, DESTROYING SOMEONE'S SOUL FOR THE SAKE OF OUR OWN SELFISH GRATIFICATION (SEE 1 AND 2 ABOVE). THIS IS THE LOVE THAT HAS THE COURAGE TO TELL SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE SERIOUSLY GOING DOWN A WRONG PATH. THE IS THE KIND OF LOVE JESUS DEMONSTRATED WITH HIS DISCIPLES, WHEN HE REPEATEDLY CORRECTED THEIR WRONG IDEAS. WE HAVE THIS IDEA OF LOVE THAT IT OVERLOOKS SIN AND THAT JUST SORT OF WINKS AT POOR LIFE CHOICES. AHH, BUT LOVE IS NOT THIS WAY. IF YOU TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE YOU ARE MARRIED TO YOUR CALLED TO CARE FOR, YOU WILL GENTLY, IN THE RIGHT TIMING, POWERED BY THE SPIRIT OF GOD, COMMUNICATE THE LOVING TRUTH. AND YOU WILL RECEIVE CORRECTION AS AN ACT OF LOVE FROM ANOTHER. IN MARRIAGE THIS MEANS YOU SOMETIMES HEAR THE HARD, BUT TRUE WORDS OF A SPOUSE AND TAKE THEM AS GOD'S LOVING ACT OF DISCIPLINE ON YOUR SOUL, SHAPING YOU INTO THE CHARACTER OF CHRIST. I WILL TELL YOU THAT THIS IS NEVER MY FIRST RESPONSE TO REBUKE FROM ANGELA. BUT IT SHOULD BE. AND OFTEN LATER THE SPIRIT WHISPERS TO MY SOUL, "YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT AND IF SHE DIDN'T LOVE YOU, SHE WOULDN'T HAVE SAID WHAT SHE SAID." THEN I HAVE TO GO BACK TO HER AND SAY, "I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT. FORGIVE ME. I'LL WORK ON THAT." I HAVE TO SAY THAT AFTER TEN YEARS, THE PERSON I CREDIT WITH MOST OF MY SPIRITUAL GROWTH IS MY WIFE. MARRIAGE CAN AND SHOULD BE A DISCIPLESHIP RELATIONSHIP, PROVIDED BOTH ARE COMMITTED TO FOLLOWING CHRIST. AS ONE OF MY FAVORITE AUTHORS, GARY THOMAS, SAYS,"GOD'S DESIRE IN MARRIAGE ISN'T TO MAKE US HAPPY, BUT TO MAKE US HOLY."
"4) LOVE ISN'T CONDITIONAL ON GOOD TIMES"
"BAD TIMES ACTUALLY TEST YOUR LOVE, ESPECIALLY IN MARRIAGE. THEY REVEAL OUR HIDDEN IDOLS. SO, FOR INSTANCE, WHEN MONEY GETS TIGHT, THIS IS USUALLY A TRIGGER FOR AN EPIC ARGUMENT. IT'S EASY TO BLAME THE OTHER PERSON. IF SHE DIDN'T SPEND ALL THAT MONEY ON SHOES, WE'D BE ABLE TO PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL. OR IF HE HAD A BETTER-PAYING JOB, WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS MESS. OR IF ONLY HE'D STEP UP AND DO THE BUDGET, IT WOULDN'T BE SO HARD ON ME. OR, IF SHE WOULD JUST BE HAPPY WITH WHAT WE HAVE. OR PERHAPS ITS TROUBLE WITH A CHILD. AGAIN, WE BLAME: IF HE'D GET OFF THE IPHONE AND PAY ATTENTION, OUR KID WOULDN'T ACT OUT SO MUCH. OR IF SHE'D JUST LOOSEN UP, MAYBE THE KID WOULD RESPOND BETTER. OR, IF HE'D GET HOME AT A DECENT HOUR. OR IF SHE'D STOP WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT THE HOUSE."
"YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS. HARD TIMES BRING ALL OF OUR HIDDEN ANXIETIES AND INSECURITIES TO THE SURFACE. THE IDOLATRY OF FINANCIAL SECURITY. TO BE FINANCIALLY SECURE IS A GOOD AND WORTHY AND BIBLICAL GOAL. BUT HARD TIMES COME AND THREATEN THAT. SO IF FINANCIAL SECURITY IS YOUR IDOL, WHEN IT'S RIPPED AWAY, YOU'LL KICK AND SCREAM AND DO DAMAGE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP. THE IDOLATRY OF A WELL-ADJUSTED FAMILY. AGAIN, WELL-BEHAVING KIDS IN A SAFE, HARMONIOUS HOUSE IS A GOOD AND WORTHY AND BIBLICAL GOAL. BUT IT'S A POOR IDOL. AND WHEN THIS IS RIPPED AWAY FOR A SEASON, IF THIS IS THE ALTAR AT WHICH WE WORSHIP, WE'LL KICK, SCREAM, AND DO DAMAGE TO OUR RELATIONSHIPS."
"THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS THIS: WE THINK LOVE WOULD FLOURISH IF ONLY OUR CIRCUMSTANCES WERE BETTER. IF WE HAD A BIT MORE MONEY, IF THE KIDS WOULDN'T MISBEHAVE SO MUCH. BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT REAL LOVE, LASTING, DEEP, ABIDING LOVE GROWS DURING TIMES OF DURESS. BUT THIS ONLY HAPPENS IF YOU PUT CHRIST AT YOUR CENTER AND GIVE UP ON THE SMALL, PETTY DREAMS AND REALIZE GOD IS ACTIVE IN THE MIDST OF YOUR HARDSHIP, TO BRING ABOUT HIS GLORY. TRIALS CAN BE A CATALYST FOR DEEPER MARITAL LOVE. THEY HAVE FOR ANGELA AND I. WE WOULDN'T WANT TO REPEAT ANY OF THE TERRIBLE THINGS WE'VE FACED, BUT WE CAN BOTH LOOK BACK AND SAY THIS CEMENTED OUR LOVE AND COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER."
"5) LOVE ISN'T FOUND ELSEWHERE"
"WHEN YOU'RE IN A BAD SEASON OF MARRIAGE, BROUGHT ON BY STRIFE, DIFFICULTY, TRAGEDY, IT'S TEMPING TO THINK YOU'D BE HAPPIER ELSEWHERE. BUT REAL LOVE IS ONLY FOUND IN RENEWING YOUR COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER IN MARRIAGE. LOVE SAYS, "I'M HERE FOR THE DURATION. I'M COMMITTED. I'M GOING NO WHERE ELSE." LOVE IS ACTUALLY LIVING OUT WHAT WE STOOD AND SAID ON OUR WEDDING DAY: "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, AS LONG AS WE BOTH SHALL LIVE." LOVE IS NOT SAYING, "AS LONG AS HE HAS A JOB. AS LONG AS WE HAVE A HOUSE. AS LONG AS SHE OUR KIDS OUR HEALTHY. AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T GET SICK."
"AND HERE'S THE SECRET: WHEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY, 100% COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER, IT MAKES IT EASIER TO WORK OUT YOUR DIFFERENCES. WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE FORCED TO. YOU'VE GOT NO OTHER OPTION. AND SO EACH OF YOU MUST GIVE, BEND, SACRIFICE. YOU MUST COMMIT TO GROW, CHANGE, AND SERVE. NOW, TO BE CLEAR: YOUR WILLPOWER AND COMMITMENT TO STAY ALONE WON'T GIVE YOU A GREAT MARRIAGE. YOU NEED GOSPEL OF CHRIST WHICH INITIATES THE CYCLE OF CONFESSION, REPENTANCE, AND FORGIVENESS. BUT I WOULD ARGUE THAT THE GOSPEL IS THE VERY CATALYST THAT KEEPS YOU COMMITTED, BECAUSE YOU REALIZE YOU ARE IN MARRIAGE FOR WAY MORE THAN YOUR OWN EXPECTATIONS AND SELF-FULFILLMENT."
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One of the most common frustrations and complaints about prayer is that it doesn't work, that the prayers don't get answered.
There seem to be those who live a "charmed" existence, whose prayers are always answered and who are always getting great press because whoever they pray for gets healed, or a job, or whatever, - and whatever they pray for happens.
Hm. Well, I guess I am glad it happens for some people. I have to wonder what might happen to their faith if for some reason there was an "answer" that didn't come.
The term "unanswered prayer" is a red flag for those who consider themselves Christians. Yet... I think this might have more to do with the idea that we have to protect God's reputation than it does about actually being honest.
The truth is that prayer (and for the moment, let's keep our definition to the more accepted one of asking God for what you want) - carries with it the option of God saying "no". And speaking as a parent, the more my kids hound me to do something with the attitude that I HAVE to give it to them, like it's their right or something, the more likely I am to either say no, or walk away and ignore them. (They are starting to learn this!) See, it works this way: we ask for what we want, we say please, and God decides whether to say yes, no, or wait a while (sometimes a LONG while). We DON'T demand. We DON'T manipulate or "quote scripture" back to Him (after all, He knows what it says!) as a way to get what we want. We don't even have to ask Him for something that we know is His will! if it's His will, He will find a way to make it happen because - well, because He is God and being Divine and all-powerful and all that, He can.
I'm beginning to see prayer in a different light these days.
Less and less I pray for "what I want." More and more I see prayer as a way to develop and deepen my relationship with Him. A conversation between friends, in other words.
Okay, so if I am upset about something, I tell Him. I don't hold anything back because after all, He made me, and He loves me. But most of the time I'm inviting Him into my situations, to take control of them, to not let me grab the reins and try to do His job in my life or anyone else's. I accept things, people, and circumstances the way they are in reality. I try to remember that He's God and I'm not, and that He can do a far better job of running the universe than I ever could. And I have discovered that for me - this leads to far more peace than I have ever known in my life. Before, I was so dissatisfied with the "way the world is" and what people "should" be doing. I was constantly angry. Nothing or nobody could satisfy me - and that included God. He was too slow. And then I prettied it up and turned it around to blame myself. I'm not saying the right words in the right way. I don't have enough faith. I must have sin in my life. It was all a smokescreen. It was all "I - I - I." I wanted things to change and change "now" like I was some old dog chasing its tail and never catching anything but a dizzy spell - what a waste of energy that was.
I stumbled about a year ago on the only kind of prayer that always gets answered and brings the kind of peace I was looking all my life to find.
It took taking me through quite a journey for God to get me to the idea that prayer isn't about changing things. It's about walking with Him. It's not about me hanging on for dear life to Him - but about Him never letting go of me. It's not about me getting what I want. It's about growing in my love-relationship with Him. It's about Him freely and graciously giving me the one thing I need in life: the awareness of His presence.
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There they go. My parents have left for Good Friday service and for the first time in my life I'm not going with them. I feel...happy, no, relieved that there was no fight with my dad about not going to church, but sad that I kind of wanted to go as a sign of respect for my parents and there was the assumption that I wasn't coming. I might have wanted to, you know.
My parents have been in town for a week, they arrived last Friday night (one of many reasons for my recent absence from the blogosphere). Last weekend was Palm Sunday and, being completely worn out from a long work week, little sleep, and hard skiing the day before I had no interest in going. Dad was upset that morning, though I couldn't figure out if that was because I wasn't dressed and ready to go with them or because they were late getting out of the house. They were walking to church, and I think ended up getting lost along the way, after all the directions and consternation. When they returned (I, having spent the hour cleaning with great vigor and having imaginary religious arguments with my father in my head) Dad offered me a palm and I decided it was best to accept it with grace and put it on display.
I've never had a proper talk with my parents about what I believe, or why I've stopped attending Mass. Dad brought it up at the dinner table several years back when I was still staying with them on occasion, and they knew that I was reading a lot of books on witchcraft. It didn't go well. Dad was not pleased with what he saw as my rejection of our family's religion, was unwilling to consider other perspectives, and despite trying to be civil about it, ended up uttering the famous phrase "But the Bible says it (what ever I might be studying) is evil and you'll go to hell!". Needless to say I felt cornered, could not articulate my thoughts, started crying, and Mom (the perpetual mediator) stepped in with the "I don't hear a willingness to listen others' points here, I hear a lot of judging", which made Dad more upset, I left the table and we've never spoken of it since. I've been thinking it's a chat we need to have, but I've never found the right time. Also, I'm still trying to work out what exactly I do believe (e.g. one lifetime or many? Eternal punishment/reward, or we all end up in the Summerlands?)
Which brings me here to this Good Friday. When I'm at home I go to church with my family as a sign of respect for them and the faith that bonded our family together. It was a hugely integral part of my upbringing. Here, out west, an independent adult, I do not go to church. So now here, out west, but with my parents staying with me - what to do? I want to honour and respect my parents, I can relate to the Easter story with Jesus nailed to a cross, dying, and resurrecting much in the same way I can relate to the Pagan stories of people/gods passing into the underworld to re-emerge. I see them all as stories humans created to help them relate to the Great Unknowable. However, would I also not be perpetuating a falsehood - that I consider myself a Catholic? Or worse, that I've become a "C">
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I'm right out here with the truth in labeling, y'all. If you're not interested, you have been duly warned!
However. Leah asked a question about what I really think in terms of moral theology (OK, she didn't put it that way), and I have not forgotten! At first, I thought, "why would she ask that question? Surely if it weren't inherently obvious, my SA post would have made it all ABUNDANTLY clear." Then I read my SA post again.
Oh.
So I am going to try, so so hard, to be concise but still clear. And I think this answer is in three parts, plus an application bit:
1. WHY DO I TALK (WRITE) LIKE THIS?
This is what I figured out when I re-read my SA post. I'm going to try to explain this without making any unwarranted assumptions about how "other" people think. But the thing about Catholicism is, it's got strong elements of a culture, and even stronger elements of being a coherent theory. I am sure there are other groupings that have this too. (I'm thinking any hierarchical church would - I bet Mormons do? And probably non-religious groups as well.) This is super-handy, but in a way that causes the problem in my post. Namely: there's a "whole lot" of theory out there. And that's just what I know. It's at least standardized, if not normative. I.e., you can look it up. There are theologians who will argue about this and that, and any individual Catholic may choose to take or leave any part of it (normatively it's an all or nothing proposition, I'm just saying that's what people "do"). I can't fit all that even I know about Catholic, well, stuff, into every post. Or a book. Several Fortunately for everyone innocently surfing the web, it wouldn't occur to me to try, because I tend to simply communicate as if everyone had about the same assumptions that I have, or meant about the same things by the same words. Rationally, I know this is not true. So where I'm "aware" of differences - I've learned that the Catholic approach is distinctive - I'll try to point that out. Sometimes, I think my approach is distinctive when it is "not". So I put caveats with things that don't need them. But I think there are lots of distinctive bits that escape my notice, so I end up saying things that don't make total sense to other people.
Which brings me to...
2. PROCEDURE
Now I'm invoking lawyer-speak. Out of the frying pan, you know...
Anyway, Leah's question was, I think, what "I" really believe, deep down, as opposed to what the Church teaches. I'm thinking that as a neutral observer, if I heard someone cite an external authority all the time for definitive opinions, I would think that person couldn't think for himself. Which I'm guessing is the impression I give. It's not how I see it, though. This is where the procedural part comes in.
I was baptized Catholic, but "lapsed" in my teens, then returned to going to church on Sunday, then went to college and continued - but grossly undereducated about my faith. It's always struck me as odd - and I've taught confirmation classes and supervised high school youth group - that kids who are expected to learn calculus and read Shakespeare are considered too tender to learn the definition of sin, or the teaching on the Trinity, or the tradition of Catholic mystics. I think most Catholic twelfth-graders know more about Buddhism than Catholicism, and how can you make a mature decision about the faith in which you were raised when you don't know even the most basic things about it?
At any rate, I was no exception. My "parents" knew a pretty decent amount of theology, but somehow this didn't all make it to me. I was "basically" committed to "most" of what I did understand - but even that I didn't try very often to apply to my life. A good friend pointed out at one point that if I believed what I myself claimed to believe, then my life ought, logically, to look a little different. I gave this some thought, and realized it was true. I was living a schizophrenic life. There began a long period of soul-searching, tons of reading, prayer, and a lot of thinking. I came conscientiously and informedly to the realization that I did, in fact, believe what I had been saying I believed. Among other things, I believed that the Catholic Church was in fact institutionally entrusted with proclaiming the truth on matters of faith and morals. If this was true, it followed that any individual thing the Church proclaimed authoritatively (see here on magisterium) as teaching was true. Certainly a handy reference point for new moral questions.
3. SUBSTANCE
Of course, being an adult Catholic also requires being an adult, period (though many, Catholic and non-Catholic, appear to regard this step as optional). Parroting the teachings of the Church mindlessly won't get you very far, for at least two reasons: first of all, principles don't always translate automatically into decisions on actual events in your life. You generally have to extrapolate (although some things are pretty clear). Second, if you make no effort to understand and own an idea, it's not really a "conviction", per se. I think morals and faith have to be the conviction of your heart. Which means they have to be examined, weighed, pondered, lived in, and made your own. Stridency is only a substitute for sincerity in the very young - and I know wher I speak, because I did that, too.
I was fortunate enough to have in my path a lot of writing and information on a lot of Catholic moral principles before I actually had to apply them, so a lot of the moral questions that would affect - say - fertility and fertility treatment, were comfortably broken in by the time I started down this path. What this also means is that in addition to having faith in the Church institutionally, I also agree specifically with the teachings I actually know about, and confront and use in my life. They make sense to me, I think I understand their implications, and they seem to me to proceed necessarily from first principles that I believe are solid.
4. SO WHAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE?
The three above points do, believe it or not, tie in together. "Because" I believe that Church teaching is actually the truth, I have a bad habit of speaking and writing as if everyone else thought just the same way. So in a given sentence, I'll interchangeably say that "the moral quality of an act depends on intention, nature, and circumstances," and "the Church teaches that subjective culpability can be mitigated even if an action is objectively gravely wrong." I'm actually invoking the same degree of authority with both of those statements - I'm quoting even in the first one, and I'm agreeing even in the second one.
What about when I said that the Church's analysis is insufficient if it takes into account only openness to life in evaluating the moral quality of particular conduct as part of fertility treatment? Well, admittedly, that was a straw man, because that's not the only factor cited even in widely-quoted documents - see, for example, "Donum Vitae" and IVF (openness to life is not the deciding factor).
And, I don't disagree with the importance of openness to life. In fact, and despite my complaining, I'd probably have poked a hole in the condom myself if I hadn't been told there was already one there; although the gesture is symbolic, in my case, I think symbolism can be important. What my complaint was about, instead (well, other than just venting), was that the Church tends not to provide any "further" guidance. Now, silence isn't teaching. So it's not that I don't "agree". I just think that parish priests have a pastoral responsibility to reach out especially to their parishioners who suffer most greatly, and especially to those most in need of moral guidance. And as far as I can see, they're not. "Don't use IVF" is not comprehensive pastoral care for the infertile. First of all, nobody ever explains "why". The theory on IVF is never cited or explained; "Donum Vitae" is never read or named; and IVF is never addressed as if it were a treatment being prescribed to actual Catholics, including some sitting right in the pews right now! When it "is". And, if pastors want their parishioners to avoid it, then they could start by explaining "why".
Moreover, even if the obedient parishioner immediately whips out the ol' crackberry to type, "Note to self: Should I be unable to conceive, do not use IVF", I just think that's inadequate. OK, me: I don't use IVF. Somehow, my travails aren't over. There's actually more questions out there. And some of them have moral aspects! Shocking.
I'm not suggesting the Church should bury all its members in norms when norms aren't needed. I'm not asking for an encyclical that says I may only visit an RE whose last name begins with an "X" and who can recite the Magnificat in Latin backward standing on one foot. I'm saying that "beyond" the realm of absolute norms - which I think are pretty close to covered in the IF world - there are many questions that require sensitivity and sound judgment. Some guidance, or even acknowledgment that the issues exist, would be appreciated.
Which brings me to the real culprit here: me. You see, I'm so used to having to dig in my heels and defend what I believe - I was steeling myself for the conversation with the clinic: "No, we are not "providing" the sample on-site. We don't do that sort of thing. I don't care if it's more convenient for you. Our faith is important to us, and I have to ask you to respect that" - that I'm totally unprepared for problems that come from elsewhere. The condom thing respects all the right boundaries, in theory. So it did not occur to me to tell my (Catholic) RE, "Hey, wait. This is frankly grotesque. So what else have you got for me? Because we're not a couple of sex monkeys here, and I refused to be any further dehumanized by my treatment". In fairness (to me!), I have no experience with condoms, and the implications weren't entirely clear until I was presented with them concretely.
But I've learned an important lesson, a lesson that those of you who don't have the blessing/crutch of a church teaching authority probably learned early in the process: I need to keep my brain on "on" at all times during this process, and think carefully about what I really want to be doing. As many of you wisely suggested in the comments, even if my confessor wouldn't bat an eye, I need to say something if I think a particular treatment would be wrong for me and my marriage.
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